Talk To Me
by Embrace Me Like A Star
Summary: I'm back and Chapter 13 is up! Samka. Please R&R.
1. Prologue

**Hi guys, this is my first fanfic so please be nice! I'm a huge Samka shipper and have had this story buzzing around in my head since I saw 11.17. Let me know what you think and I'll continue it.**

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, yada, yada, yada…

Luka sighed heavily as Alex silently hopped out of the parked car, slamming the door shut behind him with more force than was necessary. He had not said a word to him the entire trip to school, preferring instead to stare out the window at the passing cars. Any attempt Luka had made to chat with him had been steadfastly ignored.

"Your mom will come get you this afternoon," he called after Alex's retreating figure.

Alex did not turn, choosing instead to hurry up the steps of his elementary school with renewed zeal.

Luka closed his eyes and leaned back against the headrest, momentarily drained. He hated having Alex angry with him. He knew that Alex had spoken to his mother the previous night about what had happened with Steve, but it didn't seem to have done much good. _I thought I was doing the right thing, trying to get that bastard away from him_, he mused. _Alex certainly doesn't seem to think so._

_But who can blame him?_ Luka reflected as he began the drive back to his apartment, carefully weaving in and out of the morning traffic. _The guy IS Alex's father._ _Maybe… maybe I was just getting in the way._

Luka pulled the car into his usual parking space, locking it with a soft _click_. He headed towards the entrance to his apartment building, fumbling in his pockets for his keys. Stepping into the elevator, he paused long enough to hold the doors open for an elderly lady. He acknowledged her expression of gratitude with a slight nod and a small smile.

He kept his hands in his pockets as the elevator raced upward, mind racing with thoughts of Sam and Alex. _Does Alex resent Sam and I being together? Was that why he was so willing to go with Steve in the first place? Does he not like living here? I thought we had moved past all that._

Stepping out of the elevator, he walked along the hall, turning his key into the locked door of his apartment once he had reached it. He entered silently, his mind troubled.

"Hey, there." Sam stepped out from the kitchen and went to greet him, pulling him down for a soft kiss. He ran his fingers through her silky curls and smiled.

"Coffee?" she asked, heading into the kitchen. Her blonde tresses caught the sunlight that was streaming through the open window, making Luka grin.

"Sure," he agreed as he shrugged his jacket off. "But doesn't your shift start soon?"

Sam smiled mischievously as she walked over to the leather couch in the lounge, carefully balancing two cups of steaming coffee. She handed one to him before taking a seat. "Chuny offered to cover my shift. Thought we might want some… _alone _time after what happened yesterday."

"Well, that was nice of her," Luka drawled in his thick accent. One hand cautiously gripping his scalding cup of coffee, he sat down beside Sam. He reached out and gripped her free hand, lightly running his fingertips over her soft skin.

"Speaking of which…" Sam turned to him, her blue eyes locking with his. "How was Alex in the car ride over?"

Luka heaved a sigh and tried to smile. "Oh, you know… still mad at me."

Sam smiled sadly, her eyes downcast. "I just wish yesterday hadn't happened. That I hadn't given Steve money. That he'd just left us alone."

Luka started at this, turning to face her. "You gave him money?"

Sam bristled slightly. "Only a couple of hundred. Besides, it's not your problem. Don't worry about it."

Luka raised his eyebrows at her. "I kind of think it's _our_ problem. Sam, he tried to _steal _from us. It's not that I care about the stuff itself, but the guy… he's a criminal. I don't want him trying to hurt you… or Alex."

Sam untangled herself from his grip and stood, her temper flaring. "So I should have just called the cops? Have them throw Steve in jail?"

Luka flinched, knowing they were heading for a fight. "I don't know. Maybe."

Sam whirled around to face him. "Luka, I am not going to be responsible for throwing my son's father in jail!"

Luka moved to soothe her, rubbing his hands up and down her quivering arms. "I know, I know," he said.

Sam raised her eyes to his, tears threatening their way down her cheeks.

"I think we need to talk about this," she said. "_Really_ talk."

He leaned forward and gently kissed her forehead. "Okay."


	2. Try

Thanks so much to **Gater101** and **carbytothecore** for their positive reviews.

Disclaimer: I do not claim to own these characters. I'm just a girl with way too much time on her hands.

Notes: Lyrics contained in this chapter are from the songs "Try" by Nelly Furtado and "Breathe No More" by Evanescence. The quote is from the film "Closer".

**Chapter 2 - Try**

_Then I see you standing there_

Wanting more from me

And all I can do is try

Then I see you standing there

Wanting more from me

And all I can do is try…

The two of them moved to sit, the familiar leather couch creaking slightly as they positioned themselves. Sam exhaled softly, resting her chin in her hands.

Luka silently watched her, wondering what to say. If there was anything he could say. Thoughts tumbled wildly around his head and he could see that Sam was in much the same condition. The silence echoed between them.

"What are we doing, Luka?" she suddenly burst out, impatiently tucking a wayward curl behind her ear.

Luka looked up at Sam, – his Sam – his eyes locking with hers. He could see the worry and confusion that lay there and felt a tug in his heart. He leant forward, dark hair falling across his forehead, and captured her hand in his. Scanning her face imploringly, he said, "I love you. You know that, right?"

A small smile tugged at the corners of Sam's lips as he said this, but her eyes still glittered with unshed tears. "I know. It's just… are we happy?"

Luka frowned at her decision not to echo his endearment and he pulled back reproachfully. "I'm happy, Sam," he said, running a weary hand through his dark hair. But what matters most is, are _you?_"

A lone tear fell, staining her cheek. Reaching up an angry hand to brush it away, she looked at him intently. "I don't know," she answered truthfully. She felt herself flinch at the look of hurt in Luka's deep eyes.

_Then I see you standing there_

Wanting more from me

And all I can do is try

Then I see you standing there

I'm all I'll ever be

But all I can do is try…

His heart a jumble of unvoiced sentiments and vehement protestations, Luka asked, "Are you really unhappy?" Trying to ignore the spark of anger he saw igniting in Sam's eyes, he plowed on. "Or do you think you shouldn't be happy? Deserve to be happy?"

Something snapped in Sam at that moment. Leaping to her feet, she said angrily, "I cannot believe that you are telling me how I am feeling. I barely even know myself!"

Standing quickly and matching Sam in volume, Luka pointed out, "Do you see what he's done to you? He has destroyed you! That bastard has made you feel like your life can never be wonderful! And it can be, Sam. I want it to be. And I know you do, too."

"Do not tell me what I do and do not want!" she yelled at him, shaking. "And Steve, my past… it has nothing to do with this!"

"It has a hell of a lot to do with this!" Luka asserted, trying desperately to keep him temper in check.

Sam stared at him incredulously. "Well, it's wonderful that you know what I'm thinking, Luka. Because I never know what you're thinking. I wish you could say something to me. Anything. Open up to me, godammit." She barrelled on recklessly. "And as for my past, at least I can try and move on from it. At least I can try and talk about it."

She regretted the words as soon as they had left her mouth. She looked at Luka, expecting blazing anger. Deserved it. But the eyes of the man she loved – the man she loved despite everything – bore nothing but coldness. Icy and unfeeling, tinged with sorrow. It was the most unbearable thing she had ever witnessed.

_Don't stop loving me. I can see it draining out of you. It's me, remember? It was a stupid thing to do and it meant nothing. If you love me enough, you'll forgive me._

She reached out a trembling hand to touch him but he backed slowly away. Turning on his heel, he headed for the door.

"Where – where are you doing?" she called, already fearing the answer.

"Out," was his curt response. His accented voice, normally enough to send her heart into overdrive, now echoed with hostility and little else. But behind it all, she could hear raw sadness, sadness that she could not allay. And that was what hurt the most.

She watched as he exited, the door closing roughly behind him. The click of the lock echoed tauntingly throughout the apartment, ringing in Sam's ears with a horrible finality.

Sam moved back to the leather couch in a daze. Reaching over and lifting the two now-cold cups of coffee from their position on the adjacent table, she began to carry them into the kitchen. Feeling tears beginning to burn behind her eyes, she came to a standstill. The cups slipped from her grasp, hitting the floor and shattering into innumerable pieces.

_Shards of me_

Too sharp to put back together

Too small to matter

But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces…


	3. Run

**This is a serious problem. Once I start writing, I just want to write more. I think I've been bitten by the fanfic bug ;)**

Disclaimer: This story is mine. Characters aren't.

Notes: The lyrics contained in this chapter are from the song "Always" by Saliva and "Chocolate" by Snow Patrol.

**Chapter 3 - Run**

Luka wandered aimlessly down the street, his hands in his pockets. Pain gripped his heart with every step as he thought of what he had lost, what he had gained, and what he had lost again…

Danijela. Marko. Jasna. His life and his love. Taken from him without reason, dooming him to a lifetime of nightmares and an inability to open up to anyone.

He missed them so much it hurt. But he loved Sam with all his heart. And now… everything had changed. He had hurt the one person he loved the most and she had hurt him right back.

_I hear… _

_a voice say don't be so blind…_

_it's telling me all these things…_

_that you would possibly hide…_

_am I…_

_your one and only desire…_

_am I the reason you cry…_

_I left my head around your heart…_

_why would you tear my world apart…_

Luka did not know where on earth to go. Certainly not back to his apartment. Abby's? He chuckled self-deprecatingly. He had left that nightmare behind him long ago. Hop on a plane back to Gillian? _Yeah, that would go spectacularly well_, he thought morosely. _I'm back to being alone_.

Stricken. Empty. Destroyed.

Spotting a familiar bar up ahead, Luka began to walk towards it. His day would be spent in misery, clutching onto a drink here, his hope extinguished. Back to the way it was before.

It was his turn to run.

Sam climbed slowly into the car, having spent the remainder of the day watching tearjerker films like _Titanic_, _Gone With The Wind_, _Pay It Forward_, and _Moulin Rouge. _The apartment was now littered with tissues. _Masochist_, she berated herself glumly.

Turning the key in the ignition and pulling out of the carpark, Sam sped out onto the highway to pick up Alex from school.

She knew Luka would not come back that night, if he did come back at all. She had hurt him terribly and now he was doing what _she_ normally did best – running. _Guess he's learning from the master_, she thought ruefully. _When the going gets tough, the tough get going._

As she drove, she thought about what he had said to her that morning. As much as she hated to admit it, she could see his point. An image of Steve flashed across her mind, taunting her. _I was never happy with Steve,_ she realized. _And when he left Alex and me, I blamed myself. My whole life I've let him manipulate me, stop me from truly being happy. And it took Luka to make me see it. And now he's gone. Hell, I couldn't even tell him I loved him, I was that pessimistic._

_Way to go, Taggart_, she thought to herself as she pulled into Alex's school. _You accused Luka of not opening up to you, but you… you're afraid to let him love you._ Killing the engine, she sat in silence, wondering how things went so catastrophically wrong.

The school bell began to peal moments later, jerking her out of her reverie. She watched as clusters of excited students began to stream down the front steps of the school building, chattering animatedly about their plans for the weekend. Sam spotted Alex's familiar sandy blonde head in the crowd, hunched over in feverish discussion with his friend Nathan. Spotting his mother, he said a hurried goodbye and darted over to the car.

"Hi, Mom!" he said, jumping in and carelessly throwing his bag into the back seat.

"Careful, buddy," Sam said reflexively, her heart not really in it. She started the engine once again and began to reverse.

"Is Luka at home?" Alex asked.

"I thought you weren't talking to him," Sam pointed out quickly, trying to avoid telling her son about what had happened that morning.

Alex sighed softly. "I know. But I thought a lot about it today. What you said. About how you and Luka and me are a team?" He smiled at her. "I get it now. Luka did what was best for me. I just miss Dad a lot, that's all. Besides, I can't play Halo on Luka's Xbox if I'm not talking to him, right?"

Sam forced a laugh, trying to keep up the façade. "I guess not," she smiled.

"So, he's at home?" Alex asked impatiently.

Sam looked at her son. The last thing she wanted in the whole world was to hurt him. He had been through enough already. Now was not the time.

"He got called into work," she lied, her heart breaking. "There was a big road accident. He should be home… later."

"Cool," Alex grinned, turning to the window and watching the passing traffic.

_What have I become? _

_Truth is nothing yet_

_A simple mistake starts the hardest time_

_I promise I'll do anything you ask this time…_


	4. Innocence

**Awww thanks so much to LucyBethFan1, Gater101 and riotfish for their reviews.**

I wrote this chapter when I was home sick today – got a nasty stomach bug – hope you all enjoy it.

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, but the story is, yada, yada, yada…

Notes: The lyrics contained in this chapter are from the songs "Innocent" by Fuel and "Full of Grace" by Sarah McLachlan.

Chapter 4 – Innocence

10:30pm

_Well,_ Luka thought dismally. _It can't get much worse than this. This place is like a funeral parlour with a beverage service._

Luka watched the burly bartender with a hooded gaze. The poor guy, who's nametag read "Paul" had spent most of the evening arguing with whom Luka presumed were the local drunks, about whether they had "had enough for the night."

A lone figure in the corner addressed a slurred remark to Paul, punctuated with numerous expletives, before promptly emptying the entire contents of his stomach onto the table in front of him.

"Right, Marv, that's it." Paul went straight over to the man and began furiously dragging him by his arm from his seat and then pushing him with enormous difficulty to the exit. The door slammed shut behind him with a resounding _bang_.

Once Paul had returned to his position behind the bar, Luka pushed his now empty glass away. "I'll go another," he mumbled, the alcohol beginning to have a familiar numbing effect on his brain.

"Sure," Paul agreed. "What are you in the mood for this time?"

"Surprise me," Luka said dully.

"Okay, then." Paul began pulling assorted bottles down from the shelf and uncapping them. "How does a Double Kamikaze sound to you?"

Luka shrugged, unconcerned. "Sounds fine."

Paul stopped his mixing and pouring to appraise Luka. "Women troubles," he decided.

Luka looked up. "Excuse me?"

Paul chuckled. "I've worked here for nearly ten years and the only guys I've seen desperate enough to drink a Double Kamikaze are guys with women troubles. So what happened? The old lady kick you to the kerb?" He placed Luka's drink in front of him.

"No, but in some ways I think that might have been easier." Luka picked up the glass and drained half of it in one gulp. He sputtered slightly. _Shit_, he cursed. _That's strong_. "We had a fight and… I left."

Paul guffawed loudly. "Dude, that's awesome!" He leaned forward and clapped Luka on the shoulder. "Put that bitch on ice!"

Luka eyed him disdainfully. "Yeah," he muttered. Choosing to ignore this idiot and his sexist ravings, he turned back to his drink, lowering his head once again.

_All our lives get complicated_

_Search for pleasures overrated_

_Never armed our souls_

_When we were innocent…_

_All those colours long since faded_

_All our smiles are confiscated_

_Never were we told_

_What the future would hold_

_When we were innocent…_

"Hey, buddy." Paul rudely interrupted Luka's thoughts. "Check out the babe who just walked in."

Swallowing an impudent retort, Luka turned his head, feeling it spin as a result of the dizzying alcohol. He felt like his brain was rattling around inside his head. _There's a reason why you don't normally drink much, Kovac_, he berated himself.

A striking young woman stood in the doorway, surveying the room. She had long brown hair and sparkling green eyes. Clad in jeans and a glittery top, paired with heels, she approached the bar and took a seat next to Luka. "Just a Seven & Seven," she told Paul. He began to busy himself with making her drink, but Luka noticed him looking up, glancing at the woman's chest every so often. Luka snorted out loud in derision. _Typical_.

The girl turned to him suddenly, looking him up and down. "Something wrong?" she queried, an eyebrow raised.

"No," he murmured, watching as she reached into her handbag to extract a packet of cigarettes and a lighter.

"Anyone care if I smoke?" she asked the two men. "Good," she said, placing a cigarette between her glossy lips and flicking her lighter. Paul wordlessly passed her an ashtray as she took a long drag.

"Thanks," she said, looking at him sardonically.

Luka winced as she disappeared behind a cloud of smoke. He hated smokers – it was one of the things he had found most trying when he was with Abby.

The woman turned to Luka, her eyes sultry. "My name's Rachel." Flicking her cigarette into the waiting ashtray, she observed, "You look lonely."

Turning her whole body to face him, she asked invitingly, "Can I buy you a drink?"

Luka knew he was somewhat intoxicated and realized that yet another drink probably wasn't going to help matters much. _But what the hell?_ he thought. _It's not like I have anything left to lose._

"Sure," he replied.

_And while confessions not yet stated_

_Our next sin contemplated_

_Never did we know_

_What the future would hold_

_Or that we'd be bought and sold_

_When we were innocent…_

Sam lay in bed, the absence of another body sleeping soundly beside her wreaking havoc with her mind.

_And her heart._

Tears began to slide down her cheeks.

_I feel just like I'm sinking_

_And I claw for solid ground_

_I'm pulled down by the undertow_

_I never thought I could feel so low_

_Oh, darkness, I feel like letting go…_

_If all of the strength and all of the courage_

_Come and lift me from this place_

_I know I could love you much better than this_

_Full of grace_

_Full of grace_

_My love…_


	5. Morning

**Thanks to Spuffy-Spike-91 (I'm a Spuffy shipper, too! And I know what you mean about "Full of Grace" – it was so effective in Becoming Part 2, don't you think?) and Gater101 (I know, Sarah McLachlan is wonderful) for their reviews.**

Disclaimer: I do not own this show or these characters. But I will one day… evil chuckle

Notes: Remember that I'm an Aussie, so my spelling will be done accordingly. I will use "Mom" instead of "Mum", though. The lyrics contained in this chapter are from the songs "More Than Fine" by Switchfoot, "Eve Is The Apple Of My Eye" by Bell X1 and "Fair" by Remy Zero (just for you, riotfish!)

**Chapter 5 – Morning**

_When I wake up in the morning_

_I want to blow into pieces_

_I want more than just okay, more than just okay…_

_When I'm up with the sunshine_

_I want more than just a good time_

_I want more than just okay, more than just okay…_

Sunlight streamed through the open window, causing Sam to stir fitfully. She opened one bleary eye and groaned as a shaft of golden light hit her. She closed her eyes once more, willing the day away. _I can't do this_, she thought, burrowing further under the thick covers. _Not today. Maybe not ever._

_But I have to._

Extricating herself from the tangle of bedding, she dragged her weary body out of the room. Running a lazy hand through her unkempt curls, she wandered down the hall to the bathroom. Peeling off her striped pajama pants and oversized top, she stepped into the shower. Lathering shampoo into her blonde hair, she thought of Luka. Of the time they had showered together when Alex had slept over at a friend's. Luka's mischievous grin as he had run his hands over her soapy skin. The wet kisses they had exchanged as the steam enveloped them.

_I miss you._

Sam reached out and turned the water off. She stepped out and wrapped a thick towel around herself. Taking another, she began to dry her hair before pulling it into a loose knot. Her body dry, she grasped her fluffy pink bathrobe and pulled it on in one swift move.

Walking into the kitchen, Sam opened the refrigerator and began rummaging around to find the makings of a big breakfast for her and Alex. She heard the shower running once again and knew he was up.

Emerging from the refrigerator, she placed eggs and bacon on the countertop. Grabbing the bread from a nearby cupboard, she surveyed the food before her. _Okay, so… scrambled eggs, bacon and toast_. _I can do this._

Pulling assorted pots and pans from Luka's cupboards, Sam did not hear Alex enter the room. Sneaking up behind her, he wrapped his arms around her waist, squeezing her tightly. "Morning, Mom," he said cheerfully.

She turned and hugged him back, ruffling his damp hair. "Morning, buddy," she replied.

"What are you doing?" he asked, pulling away and warily eyeing the items lined up on the bench.

"Making breakfast," she said proudly. "Eggs, bacon, toast…"

An impish smile broke out across Alex's face. "I think I'd better put the fire department on standby," he told her, inching towards the phone.

Sam crossed her arms on her chest, but she was smiling, too. "Very funny, kiddo. I don't cook _that_ badly."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "Not that badly? Are you forgetting the Mac & Cheese incident of 2002?" he asked cheekily.

Sam blushed slightly, remembering. She had invited her high school friends Amelia and Lauren over for dinner – macaroni and cheese had seemed like a good idea at the time. Needless to say, one visit from the fire department later, the meal had been a blackened mess.

"I think we should just stick to cereal, Mom," Alex continued. "Honest."

"You're probably right," Sam smiled. She started to place items back in their original positions.

"Where's Luka?" Alex's inquisitive voice broke through the silence.

Sam stopped and turned to face him, her heart in her mouth. She looked into her son's brown eyes, his expression questioning. She exhaled sharply and lowered her eyes, her dark lashes casting shadows that danced across her cheekbones.

Alex stared at his mother. "He's not coming home, is he?" he surmised.

_He's too precocious for his own good_, Sam thought sadly. She went to hold him. "I don't know," she told him, her voice catching slightly in her throat. "I don't know."

Alex moved to avoid her hug, upset. "What happened?" he asked her. His eyes turned guilty. "Was it because of me?" he asked imploringly.

Sam shook her head vigorously as they moved to sit on the couch. "Absolutely not," she said forcefully. "Don't you _ever_ think that, okay? Luka and I had a fight."

"A stupid, stupid fight," she muttered to herself.

Alex looked up at her, his eyes sad. "Why does everyone always leave?" he said simply. "It's just like Dad."

Sam just sighed and pulled him to her. He began to sob in her arms, just as he had when Steve had left. _But Steve is nothing like Luka_, she thought.

They sat there on the couch, she cradling him in her arms. A mother and a son, both bearing so many crumbled hopes, all etched with far too many tears.

_Accept it_

_Don't let it_

_Turn the screw_

_Accept it_

_And let it_

_Scream back at you…_

Luka started awake and groaned. His head was pounding and his mouth felt ridiculously dry. _That'll teach me never to drink again_, he thought gloomily.

Attempting to focus his eyes, he saw a lithe figure seated at the end of his bed, clad in a lacy cream nightgown. She was blowing smoke rings across the room and staring into the distance.

The figure turned to him and winked lazily, green eyes flashing. "Good morning, sunshine," she murmured, a lock of brown hair falling seductively across her face.

Luka stared at her, his pulse sky-rocketing. _Green eyes. Brown hair._

_Oh God, it's the girl from the bar._

"Rachel," the girl said, as if reading his mind. She stubbed out her cigarette and flicked the butt out of the open window.

Luka watched in horror. _What have I done?_ he thought. He took in his unfamiliar surroundings. He was lying on a rumpled double bed in a large, distinctly feminine bedroom. A bedroom that most definitely _wasn't _his.

Leaping to his feet, he noticed he was still in his clothes from the night before. Looking down at Rachel, he asked breathlessly, "Did I… Did you…" He gulped. "Did we…?" He trailed off, looking wordlessly into her emerald eyes.

"No, sugar, we didn't," she replied, a slow smile spreading across her features. "By the time we got back here, you passed out cold." She jerked a thumb, indicating the hall behind her. "I slept in the other room."

Luka sighed with relief. _What the hell have I done?_ he asked himself a second time. _I have to get out of here_.

Mumbling a thankyou, he darted out of the room and headed down the hallway to the front door.

He stopped and turned as she came up behind him, pressing her velvety skin against him. "But I'm here now," she purred, pouting. "What's the rush?"

Luka stepped back. "I'm sorry," he told her. "But… I have to go."

He ducked out the front door and onto the street.

_So what if you catch me_

_Where would we land?_

_In somebody's life_

_For taking his hands_

_Sing to me hope as she's _

_Thrown on the sand_

_All of our work_

_Is rated again_

_Where to go…_


	6. Shift

**Thanks to everyone for their reviews – I'm so glad so many people like my fic.**

Disclaimer: I do not own this show or these characters. But just give me time…

Notes: The lyrics contained in this chapter are from the song "In A Good Way" by Beady Belle. Also, forgive my ignorance or incorrect use of medical terminology – I'm not a _real_ doctor.

**Chapter 6 – Shift**

"Have a good day at school, buddy," Sam told Alex as he headed out the door. "Nicole will pick you up this afternoon because I won't finish work in time to come get you."

"I still don't see why I even _need_ a babysitter," Alex whined, pausing at the front door.

"C'mon, kiddo, let's not go through this again. Gina's waiting for you. Be good." She nudged him gently out the door.

"Love you," she called to his retreating figure.

He mumbled something under his breath and kept walking.

Sam sighed and shut the door, locking it behind her. Alex was taking Luka's departure hard. _He's been through so much_, she thought forlornly. _He's a good kid – he doesn't deserve all this._

Sam wandered into the bedroom to get ready for her shift. Rummaging around in her drawer, she located her crumpled scrubs. She pulled the top on over her white Baby-T and quickly changed out of her gray sweatpants. Moving to the bathroom, she began the daily battle to control her wild curls. Struggling to pull them back into a tight ponytail, she mentally cursed genetics. _Why couldn't I have been blessed with straight hair?_ she reflected, frustrated.

Squeezing some toothpaste onto her toothbrush, she began to brush her teeth, trying to eradicate the stale taste that had been in her mouth since she had woken. Suddenly, she heard the doorbell ring.

_Who in God's name could that be?_ she grumbled.

She rinsed and spat before trudging to the front door. _It'd be just my luck if it was the landlord_, she mused ruefully. _In fact, I can almost guarantee it's the landlord._

Unlocking the door and pulling it open she said, "Hasn't the rent…"

Luka was standing on the other side of the door, his eyes cool.

"… been paid," she finished stupidly. _Holy shit. I so need another ten hours sleep to even begin to deal with this,_ she thought wearily.

"Uh, hi," she blurted out. "I'm guessing you forgot your keys?"

Luka held up a hand. "I'm just here to grab some clothes. I'm on today." He pushed past her and headed into the bedroom.

"Oh." The light in her eyes dimmed. "Okay." She stepped back into the apartment, wringing her hands. "So… where are you staying?" she called out meekly.

"Hotel" was the brusque reply. She watched as he came back out into the lounge, one of his duffel bags in hand. "I'm guessing you're on today, too?" he asked, taking in her apparel.

"Yeah," she replied, her heart breaking.

"Well, see you there," he said unenthusiastically, turning to the door.

"Luka, this is stupid," she said bluntly. He turned to face her. "Really, really… stupid," she trailed off lamely.

He looked at her hard. "Yeah," he said softly. "It is."

He turned on his heel and exited, shutting the door behind him.

Sam stood in the apartment, defeated.

Luka rested his back against the front door and sighed.

_How can I explain the truth to you _

_and expect you to believe?_

_How can I refuse and look down on you? _

_How am I supposed to leave?_

_Later that morning... _

Sam flew into County General, her mind made up as a result of the morning's events. _The time has come, Taggart,_ she told herself, _to learn to live without a guy in your life. You did it for ten years. You can do it again. All men are just… trouble. It's time to move on._

Her resolve shattered when she saw Luka standing at admit, scribbling something on a chart. A lock of dark hair was falling across his eyes, and she yearned to push it back with gentle fingers before running her hand down his strong jaw. _That, and a lot of other things_, she realized, momentarily distracted at the thought of his hands on her body again.

_Oh, who are you kidding?_ she scolded herself. _You might as well tell the earth to stop spinning._

She hurried past admit, hoping that Luka would not see her. But Frank hollered after her. "Taggart!"

She turned, trying to resist the urge to glance at Luka. "Yeah?"

"What happened with that Steve guy? Throw him in jail?" he asked, grinning.

Sam saw Luka flinch out of the corner of her eye and paled. _Has Frank ever actually heard_ _of tact?_ she wondered, peeved.

"Um, no, but everything… everything's fine. Thanks." She avoided eye contact with Luka and hurried down the hall to the lounge.

"Sam!" Chuny emerged from Exam 2. "Pratt needs you in curtain three when you get a sec." She darted back inside, dark ponytail swishing behind her.

"Fantastic," Sam murmured, heading into the lounge. "No worries. But first…"

She spied the familiar black pot.

_Coffee._

_ Later..._

"Sam. I'm gonna need a tox screen on my guy in three," Ray told her as she stood at admit, checking lab results. He gave her a lazy smile and kept walking.

Sam nodded and continued to read.

"Sam?" A British accent cut into her thoughts. She looked up and saw Neela standing in front of her, an apprehensive look on her face. "I'm really sorry to bother you but could I get an IV for my patient in curtain one when you get a chance?"

"Of course," Sam replied as politely as she could. Neela smiled and hurried away. _I'm not the only nurse on staff,_ she thought, irritated.

"Sam?" A timid voice interrupted her once again. Sam noticed Penny hovering beside her. "Are those labs on Mr. Krasinski back yet?"

"JUST…" she yelled, much louder than she had intended. A cluster of patients in triage turned to stare at her.

"… a minute," she breathed more softly. She watched guiltily as Penny darted away. _Whoops_. _Well, that wouldn't be the first med student I've scared the living hell out of_.

Pratt ambled over to her. "Wow," he said jauntily as he approached her, a swagger in his stride. "PMS, much?"

Sam rolled her eyes heavenward and shot him what she hoped was a thoroughly murderous look.

"I'm guessing that's a no," he chuckled, undeterred. "By the way, Kovac wants those labs for the guy in two."

_Well, that'll be an interesting meeting, _she sighed. Grabbing the recently returned results, she walked over to curtain two. She saw Luka standing there, deep in conversation with his patient.

"Uh, Luka?" He looked up and she could have sworn she saw a glimmer of hope in his eyes. But it dissipated as soon as it had appeared, leaving Sam to conclude that she had simply imagined it. _Fantastic_, she thought sarcastically. _The hallucinations have started_. _Next, I'll be looking for hidden meaning in every single thing he says to me._

She reached out to pass him the papers. He took them from her, his hand brushing against her skin as he did so. She looked up and stared into his blue eyes. The world around them seemed to stop. Distantly, she heard a phone ring.

Sam took a deep breath. "Luka, I…"

"Taggart!" Frank called from the admit desk. "Phone!"

_Shit!_ Sam marvelled. _That's it. The universe is definitely plotting against me,_ she decided.

Reluctantly removing her hand and tearing her eyes from Luka's, she marched over to Frank.

Giving him a tight smile, she grabbed the outstretched receiver.

"Hello?" she said.

Her blood ran cold as she listened.

"What do you mean, _he wasn't at the school?_" she shouted into the phone, her heart in her mouth.

**You gotta love a cliffhanger! ;)**


	7. Help

**Hi all – yes, I am alive. This has been the craziest week ever. This chapter isn't particularly long, but it sorta explains the cliffhanger that you all loved so much ;) Keep the reviews coming! And I promise that Chapter 8 will be up by next Wednesday.**

Disclaimer: I _wish_ these characters were mine… but they're not. You don't have to rub it in.

Notes: The events in this chapter are **very loosely** based on spoilers for 11.22 "The Show Must Go On".

**Chapter 7 – Help**

Sam's heart pounded wildly as she pressed the receiver harder against her ear. It was painful, but she barely noticed. She held the phone in a death grip, palms clammy and her breathing rapid. She felt her throat constrict as she listened to the babysitter's words.

"I turned up to get Alex, but… he wasn't there." Nicole sounded on the verge of hysteria. "I'm so sorry, Miss Taggart. I don't know what to do! I know you're at work and everything, but…"

Sam felt like she was going to faint. "It's okay, Nicole, it's not your fault. Just… just tell me where you are now." She breathed in and out, trying not to panic. She turned and looked over at Luka, who was smiling kindly at his elderly patient.

_Everyday, I catch myself looking at you, wondering if I will ever get another chance, another day to be in your arms…_

Sensing eyes on him, Luka looked up. Sam was standing at admit, gripping the phone as if her life depended on it. He had cursed fate when Frank had interrupted them, but now he could tell that something was seriously wrong. Sam's brown eyes bored into his, her cheeks flushed with red.

Still gazing at him, she parted her quivering lips and mouthed a single word.

_Alex._

Luka felt like he had been punched in the stomach. Turning to his patient, he excused himself with a distracted smile. He hurried over to Sam, who had turned away and resumed her conversation.

_If you can't get someone out of your head, maybe they're supposed to be there…_

"I'm here with the principal. And the police. At the school." Nicole's voice echoed down the line, her tone laced with fear.

"I'm on my way," Sam told her. She hung up the phone, resisting the urge to collapse against the desk in front of her.

_Alex._

A strong hand gripped her elbow and she turned, coming face to face with Luka. He quickly released her, but remained standing by her side.

_A simple smile, a tender touch, speaks the true language of love…_

"What's happened?" he asked her, his gaze imploring.

Swallowing a lump in her throat that threatened to choke her completely, she replied, "It's Alex. He… he wasn't at the school when Nicole went to pick him up." Luka's eyes flashed.

"I think… I think he's run away," she told him, her heart shattering. "He was so upset… about everything…" She lowered her eyes and noisily cleared her throat. "I have to go find Susan," she said. "See if she'll let me leave. Chuny or Haleh will have to cover my shift."

She turned to go, but Luka stopped her with a quick hand. "She'll have to get Carter to cover my shift, too, because I'm coming with you." Looking down at her, mouth open, ready to protest, he cut her off. "And don't even try to argue with me." His eyes seemed to twinkle slightly, but he shook himself. Placing a gentle hand on her shoulder, he offered, "I'll go find Susan."

He darted off, leaving Sam standing alone. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying so very hard not to dissolve into sobs.

_This cannot be happening._

Luka raced off to the supplies cabinet at Penny's direction and found Susan, standing and marking items off on a checklist. A strand of her short blonde hair fell into her eyes and she brushed it impatiently away.

"Susan." She looked up, her eyes smiling but weary.

"Luka. Something wrong?" she inquired, capping her pen.

Luka hurriedly explained the situation. Susan visibly paled and motioned emphatically for him to leave. "Go. Get out. _Vamoose_."

Luka sighed with relief but asked, "Are you sure? I mean, I don't know how long we'll be gone…" He ran an agitated hand through his dark hair.

"Are you kidding?" Susan exclaimed. "I don't expect you to come back! But Haleh is going to _kill_ me." She shrugged her shoulders. "Oh, well. I'll just be known as "the bitchy boss" for a while." She grinned wickedly. "And Carter's just going to have to get his lazy ass out of bed."

"Thank you so much," he replied gratefully.

Susan's smile faded and her expression turned solemn. "Seriously, Luka. Go. You guys… you're a family, right?"

Luka smiled softly, but the words echoed through his head as he hurried back to admit.

_You are the only one who can make me smile this way..._


	8. Alone

**Okay, okay… so Chapter 8 is up now, rather than Wednesday. Mainly because I knew Gater would kill me if I didn't ;)**

Disclaimer: I do not claim to own these characters, but I do claim to own this story, yada, yada, yada…

Notes:The lyrics contained in this chapter are from the song "Can't Cry Hard Enough" by Williams Brothers

**Chapter 8 – Alone**

"A few times I've been around that track, so it's not just gonna happen like that, 'cause I ain't no hollaback girl! I ain't no hollaback girl!"

Sam reached forward and twirled the radio dial in Luka's car, trying to find a different tune. The last thing she needed right now was Gwen Stefani's infectious brand of perky pop.

"Let me see ya 1, 2 step… I love it when ya 1, 2 step… everybody 1, 2 step…" Ciara's silky smooth vocals echoed through the vehicle, making Sam cringe.

_I'm not much in the mood for R&B, either._

Getting increasingly agitated, she continued to twirl the dial.

_Gotta find something to keep my mind off it._

"Since you've been gone… I can't breathe for the first time" –

_Spin the dial._

"Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win, battle rages on for toy soldiers" –

_No._

"I'm you're girl, you're my girl, we your girls" –

_Fuck. _Sam switched rapidly from song to song, trying… trying…

A hand reached over, gently covering her now quivering fingers on the knob.

"Sam." Luka's voice broke through her thoughts. Briefly tearing his blue eyes from the road, he smiled sadly at her. "Stop."

She tore her hand away from the controls, collapsing back into the plush leather seat. Resting her chin in her hands, she stared out the window. A knot had formed in the pit of her stomach that refused to subside.

_Alex. Why did you do this?_

Luka kept his hands steady on the wheel, his eyes fixed on the road.

_Not Alex. Don't do this to me again_, he cursed God. _Not again._

Spotting the exit for the school up ahead, he peeled off the highway and continued down the road.

He snuck a glance at Sam as he made a sharp turn into the entrance of the school. She was hunched up against the window, one arm curled around her middle as if she was trying not to be sick.

Luka parked quickly, killing the engine. He grabbed the keys from the ignition, watching as Sam tore her seatbelt off and scurried out of her seat.

Luka hurried to catch up with her. Once he had, he stood by her side, careful not to resist the now familiar urge to take her hand. They hastened up the steps of the school, and stepped inside the building. The absence of laughing children left the place eerily quiet.

"Miss Taggart." Principal Phillips stepped out of a nearby classroom and approached the couple. He reached out and gripped her hand, shaking it heartily. "So nice to see you."

He turned to Luka. "Ah, Dr. Kovac. It's nice to see you again. Still subscribing to Maxim, are we?" he asked, chuckling at his own mirth.

"With all due respect, Principal Phillips," Sam said, acid creeping into her tone, "my son is _missing_. Not a great time for jokes." _This guy hasn't got a clue. I mean, I get that he's trying to soften the blow, but honestly. _She gave Luka a fleeting look and saw that he, too, was scowling.

"Of course, Miss Taggart. And let me assure you, the teacher supervising the children's dismissal has been severely reprimanded," he informed her pompously.

Sam resisted the urge to laugh out loud, despite the gravity of the situation. She had always been a hapless victim of schadenfreude. _But seriously, this guy might as well have 'don't sue' stamped across his forehead_.

"Whatever," Sam replied, waving a hand. "Just tell me what the hell _happened_." She tried desperately to keep the hysteria out her tone. _Be strong, Sam. _She felt Luka flinch slightly beside her, and she could tell that he was becoming as panicked as she was.

The principal seemed to deflate slightly. "Of course," he said, gesturing down the hallway. "The inspector is in my office."

Luka and Sam followed him to a small conference room, where a bespectacled policeman sat, scribbling on a notepad. He jumped to his feet as they entered, extending a hand to the couple. "Inspector Robert Marsh," he introduced himself, shaking Sam's hand firmly. Taking in her anxious visage, he said reassuringly, "It's okay, Miss Taggart. We'll find your son. I promise."

_Uh-huh_, Sam thought dully. _In how many cop shows have I heard that said, and then a couple of scenes later, they're telling the grieving parents 'we're so sorry for your loss'?_ She felt tears begin their pinprick behind her eyes.

_Dick Wolf, you have a lot to answer for, you bastard_.

"Have a seat." The inspector gestured towards the two seats adjacent to him. They both sat, Sam with her hands clasped firmly in front of her to stop the shaking.

Luka sat as if made of stone, his expression troubled.

Principal Phillips leaned back against the wall, observing the proceedings. He tugged nervously at his tie.

Inspector Marsh turned his eyes to Luka. "I'm guessing you're the stepfather?"

Luka jerked, taken aback, and glanced at Sam. Her dark eyes were wide and stunned, and she fumbled for an answer.

"He's – well, he's…" she started, looking helplessly at Luka.

"He takes an active role in child-rearing." Principal Phillips' mocking voice answered from behind them. His salt-and-pepper eyebrows were raised slightly, and he shot Marsh a look as if to say, "God knows."

Sam balked as her eyes flashed with anger. _Why the fuck_ _do I send my son to this school?_ she asked herself. Getting to her feet, she stalked over to the surprised principal.

"Listen, _Mr. Phillips,_" she barked, staring him straight in the eye. "If you're going to stand here and be an asshole, that's you're problem, not mine. Just make sure you've got a good lawyer." It was an empty threat, but Sam was livid. She had no intention of suing the school, but her bluff seemed to work nonetheless. The principal's eyes flickered with fear and he anxiously re-adjusted his jacket.

"I apologize, Miss Taggart," he told her, his upper lip now beaded with sweat. "Perhaps I should leave you two to discuss this with the inspector in peace." He made a feeble attempt to recover his composure, before turning on his heel and exiting.

Luka fought the urge to stifle a smile. _He should have been here the day she decked that Dean guy_. His smile faded, however, as he thought of Alex. All alone in the streets of Chicago.

Sam took a seat once more, her anger fading.

Inspector Marsh's face bore a stunned expression, but he tried to conceal it. "Miss Taggart, do you have any reason to believe your son might have run away? We've interviewed the teacher on-duty extensively, and she swears she didn't see anyone approach Alex. Is it possible that he could have left of his own accord?"

Sam nodded her assent, the knot in her stomach growing tighter. "There's – there's been a lot of stuff happening at the moment," she told the inspector. "Alex's father… came back recently, but left again. He was very upset." She avoided looking at Luka, not wanting to inform Marsh of the rest of the saga.

Glancing down at his notepad, Inspector Marsh asked, "I see. Can you describe your son for me? In as much detail as possible?" He held his pen tightly over the page, poised to take down all of her remarks.

Sam took a deep breath, trying to swallow the tears that threatened to erupt. "He has brown eyes… he's five foot two… about sixty-five pounds. He was wearing jeans and-and a red t-shirt." Her voice caught in her throat. "His hair… it's kind of a combination of blonde and brown, you know?"

"Uh-huh," Marsh mumbled, jotting down her words. "And does he have any distinguishing marks? Scars, anything like that?"

"Just one." Luka accented voice broke through the quiet. "It's about an inch long, up his leg. From skateboarding."

Sam turned to him, loving him more in this moment than ever before. She looked deep into his eyes, hoping he knew how badly she wanted him, how sorry she was for everything that had happened. "That's right," she affirmed, not looking at the inspector.

"Okay." The inspector breathed out slowly, glancing over his notes. "Does Alex have any medical conditions we should know about?"

Sam recoiled as if she had been shot, whipping her head around to face him. _Oh, God._

_His diabetes._

_He's out there all alone._

_His blood sugar could be low… he could get hypoglycemic._

_He could lapse into a coma._

_Oh, God. How could I not think of that?_

Sam swayed against Luka, feeling as if she was about to pass out. "He's a diabetic," she choked out.

Luka reached out and squeezed Sam's hand, trying not to panic himself. _You have to be strong._

_You have to be strong for Sam._

_Oh, God, don't do this to me again. Don't take away someone else I love._

The inspector paled slightly. "Well, the sooner we find him the better, then," he told them, trying to keep his voice neutral.

Reaching into his pocket, he fished out a card. "Here's my number," he told them, passing the information to Luka. "Call me if you think of anything else that might help us."

Sam's head snapped up. "That's it? We're just supposed to sit here and wait for you guys to call?" She knew she sounded hysterical, but she didn't care. "This is my _son!_"

Marsh tried to remain calm. "I understand that, Miss Taggart. Believe me, I do. I have two children of my own." He stood and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "But trust me. The best thing you can do now is to go home and get some sleep." He pulled away and straightened. "I'll be in touch."

Giving Luka a sympathetic look, he exited the room.

Sam couldn't take it anymore. Every single fear, that she had kept inside her until this moment, erupted. Tears begin to spill down her face, and she made no move to wipe them away. Luka pulled her to him, wishing so very badly that none of this had ever happened. That he and Sam were okay. That Alex was safe with them.

"I don't think I can do this alone, Luka," she sobbed into his shirt. "I'm not asking you for anything, and I know that things have changed, but… I just can't."

Luka tilted her chin to face him and wiped away her tears with tender fingers. "I know," he said, looking deep into her eyes.

"You don't have to."

He continued to hold her as she cried.

_I can't cry hard enough_

_No, I can't cry hard enough_

_For you to hear me now..._


	9. Quiet

**Whew… I know, I know. I'm an evil fanfic writer who should update far more often. But the last couple of weeks have just been apocalyptic. I've had this chapter in my head for ages; it was just a matter of getting it written down.**

**Gater101** – Thanks heaps for your reviews and endless support! How about we make a deal: you update the next chapter of "Uninvited" and I'll post Chapter 10. Okay? ;)

**anonymous01 – **Wow, thank you so much for your review. That means a lot coming from someone as talented as you – I'm a huge fan of your writing.

**Spuffy-Spike-91 –** Thank you for your awesome support. I hope you enjoy this chapter! I spent most of today watching my Buffy 7th season boxed sets… yes, I watched Touched about 5 times. I'm just a big sucker for that Spuffy scene :)

Disclaimer: The lyrics contained in this chapter are from the song "Quiet" by Rachael Yamagata. If you've never heard this song, I suggest you find a way. Seriously, I don't care if you have to do something illegal to get it, just do it, because it is the most amazing song.

**Chapter 9 – Quiet**

_All the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery_

_As they steal your best memories away_

_What if I was someone different in your only history?_

_Would you feel the same…_

"Thanks for taking me… home," Sam told Luka awkwardly, standing outside the front door. _God, this is ridiculous_, she thought. _I can't believe I blubbered at Luka like that. He must think I've completely lost it._ The car ride back to the apartment had been spectacularly uncomfortable. Neither of them had said so much as a word to the other. Luka had kept his eyes fixed on the traffic and Sam had been content to stare out the window, avoiding any glance he might shoot her way.

She fumbled in her purse for her keys as Luka mumbled a weak platitude. Fishing them out and holding them aloft, she said bluntly, "Luka. This is stupid. I shouldn't even still be here. This is your apartment. Not mine. And you're staying in a hotel, for gods sakes."

Lifting his eyes to hers, Luka smiled gently. "Don't worry about it for now. We'll… we'll figure something out once they find Alex."

"Right," Sam replied dully. _I'd be more inclined to lean towards 'if' they find_ _Alex, myself_. She felt a familiar sting behind her eyes and tried to blink it away. _I'm so tired of crying_.

_What happened?_ she thought miserably. _How could we both let things go so incredibly wrong?_

_Why did we let things go so incredibly wrong?_

"Hey." Luka's soft voice broke into her gloomy thoughts. He looked at her hard. "They'll find him, Sam," he told her, trying to keep his voice reassuring despite his own grave doubts and his heavy heart. "I promise," he added recklessly, knowing that this was a vow he might not be able to keep but wanting so badly to ease her worried mind.

Sam felt herself brighten, albeit very slightly. _Is it wrong that I feel like all my problems can be solved when he's around?_ she pondered, ashamed at her own musings.

"Thanks," she told him, hoping he knew just how much he had helped her that day. "Really."

He nodded once and turned to go. She, too, turned, inserting the key in the lock. _Well, trying to sleep tonight is going to be great,_ she reflected sarcastically. _Hope there's a few more boxes of tissues lying around somewhere_.

_I can't do this_.

Pausing with one hand on the door, she pivoted to watch Luka's retreating form.

He said I don't have to do this alone. And what if I really can't?

_Take care_

_I've been hurt before_

_Too much time spent on closing doors_

_You may hate me_

_But I'll remember to love you _

_Goodbye_

_Don't cry…_

"Hey," she called out to him, the slight tremble in her voice betraying her thoughts.

Luka stopped in his tracks and turned to face her, his expression expectant.

Sam was suddenly reminded of the time she and Luka had finally gotten together, after numerous false starts and too many arguments. She was planning to watch a horror movie with Alex that night when he had turned up, apologizing for everything that had gone wrong since Gillian had shown up again. He had turned to go and made his way across the street before her heart had melted. Her voice cracking, she had called across the street to him and that had been it. She was finally ready to let go. To let go of her tormented past and let someone get close. They had spent the remainder of the evening together, she burying her head in his shoulder in the most terrifying parts of the film while he and Alex laughed.

_We were like a family._

Now, she cleared her throat and asked quietly, "Do you want to… stay for dinner?" Hurrying to explain herself in case he refused, she added, "I just… I just don't want to be alone yet, you know?" Her voice trailed off and she looked at him uncertainly.

They regarded one another silently.

A look, a moment, a soft inhalation, and a wish…

"Sure," he said softly, walking back over to her.

Sam sighed with relief and pushed the door open. Moving further into the apartment, she peeled off her coat, dumping in on the couch. Luka did the same and followed her into the kitchen, hands in his pockets. Raising a quizzical eyebrow and smirking slightly, he inquired, "So what are we having?"

Sam grinned sheepishly and eyed the phone. "I was thinking of making my famous 'phone call to the pizza place'."

He laughed lightly and shook his head as she dialed. "Everything but onions and anchovies for you, right?" she smiled. He nodded in agreement and moved to sit in a nearby armchair. Sam joined him in the lounge a moment later. "They said fifteen minutes, but that remains to be seen," she chuckled, flopping down onto the couch.

"So how did it go with that patient you had before we left today? The elderly guy?" she asked, maneuvering to face him.

Luka's face brightened as he answered. _He's a good doctor_, Sam thought to herself.

They talked animatedly about work for the next twenty minutes. _Wasn't this always the way?_ Sam reflected. _We could talk about anything but us. Our issues and our problems. It was so easy for us to be together, but so hard for us to communicate._

The sound of the doorbell echoed throughout the apartment, interrupting their conversation. Sam rose to answer it and paid for the pizza, carrying it back over to the couch and placing it on the coffee table. Lifting the lid, she leaned forward and inhaled deeply. "That smells soooo good," she remarked, a grin spreading across her face. She heard Luka snicker and whirled around. "Something funny?" she demanded in mock-anger.

"You," Luka answered, pointing to her with a laugh. "I've never seen anyone get so excited about pizza."

"Hey," she informed him, grabbing a slice and beginning to devour it. "Don't knock it till you've tried it." She pushed the box in his direction, her brown eyes mischievous.

Luka reached over and took a piece, biting into it. The overwhelmingly salty taste of anchovies hit his tastebuds immediately and he almost gagged. Glancing at Sam, he saw her impish smile.

"Very funny," he told her, reaching for another, untainted slice.

Sam dissolved into giggles but suddenly stopped, straightening up and placing a hand over her mouth. She looked horrified.

"What's the matter?" Luka asked her between mouthfuls.

Sam's expression turned sad as she answered him. "I just… I just feel like I shouldn't be laughing. About anything. My son is missing. And no one has any idea where he is. I should be out there looking for him." Her voice grew quiet and she curled her legs underneath herself, resting her chin on her knees. She closed her eyes as a single tear wound its way down her cheek. Sticking her tongue out of the corner of her mouth, she caught it before it fell onto her chin.

Luka moved to sit with her on the couch. Taking her hand, he chuckled slightly, despite the severity of the situation. "What was that?" he queried, trying to keep the amusement out of his voice.

"What was what?" she asked him, opening her eyes.

"You… you just licked your tear away," Luka said, smiling sweetly and pointing to her cheek.

"Oh. That." Sam brought her hand to her face and cast her eyes downward, embarrassed. "When I was little… my mom used to read me this book about a little duck. I can't remember his name. But I just remember that everytime he cried, he stuck his tongue out to catch the tears before they fell too far. It was my favourite book and ever since I can remember, I would do the same thing as that little duck. Made being sad a little easier." Now she felt like a total idiot. "It's stupid, I know," she murmured, blushing. "I can't even remember the title."

To her surprise, Luka was gazing at her, all traces of mirth gone. His blue eyes were filled with something that Sam couldn't quite put her finger on.

He inched closer to her then and placed a gentle hand on her cheek, tucking a wayward curl behind her ear. "I don't think it's stupid at all," he whispered, his accent husky and strong. He locked his gaze with hers, imploring her not to turn away. "I'm here, Sam," he said meaningfully. "And they'll find Alex."

With that, he leaned forward. Sam's breath hitched in her throat as his lips touched hers.

And his kiss was for Sam, for all her pain and her grief. And Sam kissed him back, forgetting everything that had happened between them. Forgetting her past. Forgetting his.

Forgetting all of it.

Luka broke the kiss, his hand still on her cheek. They were both breathing hard, their noses still just touching. Her silken curls danced just near his face and he inhaled their honey scent.

But his thoughts turned back to their argument. Everything they had said to one another.

"_And as for my past, at least I can try and move on from it. At least I can try and talk about it."_

He raised his eyes to hers and murmured, "I think… I think I should go."

He pulled away and her cheek tingled where his hand had grazed it. She glanced up at him, and saw the look, both troubled and pained, that flitted across his face.

Too much hurt.

"I'll let myself out," he told her softly and dazed, she nodded her assent. Grabbing his coat, he called a hushed goodbye over his shoulder and left, shutting the door quietly behind him.

"Bye," Sam replied faintly, remaining frozen on the couch.

_And it'll be just as quiet_

_When I leave_

_As it was_

_When I first got here_

_I don't expect anything_

_I don't expect anything to change _

_When I leave…_


	10. Dark

**Okay, so it's been what, over two weeks? I'm so sorry, guys. My life has been of the Über-crazy.**

Disclaimer: This story is not mine, but the characters are, etc etc…

Notes: The quote contained in this chapter is from Byron's "The Dream".

**Chapter Ten – Dark**

It was later now, a brilliant evening; outside, the stars above were shining mercilessly. As Sam peered out the window, she saw that the moon was climbing, climbing high up into the dark, perfectly arranged drapes of the sky.

She tore her gaze away from the night, stepping back from the window and pulling herself once again into a grim reality. She was caught and sinking in a quagmire of depression, helped little by Luka's abrupt departure of just over an hour before.

Staring out the window, speaking in hushed tones and sad whispers – it was pervasive, relentless hopelessness.

Padding further back into the lunge, Sam eyed the now cold pizza sitting on the coffee table. Her eyes seemingly filled with a new fire, she darted over and roughly scooped up the box, racing into the kitchen and slamming it into the garbage as hard as she possibly could. Her blood boiling, she kicked the bin for good measure. Again and again she lashed out, crying aloud in frustration before her body went limp once again and she dissolved into tears.

Ignoring her now throbbing foot, she sighed, letting the tears run down her face as she rested her head weakly against one of the kitchen cupboards. _Fuck licking my tears away. Just fuck it._

_Sleep hath its own world,_

_And a wide realm of wild reality,_

_And dreams in their development have breath,_

_And tears, and tortures, and the touch of joy._

Breathing deeply and with this thought in mind, Sam straightened up and retreated from the kitchen, not looking back. Stepping out into the hall, she grabbed a blanket from the hall closet and wrapped it around herself as she walked.

She paused at Alex's room and stuck her head inside, half-expecting him to be lying curled up in his bed.

But of course, of her son there was no sign.

_I wonder where he's sleeping tonight,_ Sam pondered sadly as she stepped inside. She sat on the edge of his bed and let her eyes travel across the room. Spying a picture of Steve and her son on his desk, she stood and picked it up. Resisting the urge to hurl it across the room, she gazed at Alex's bright eyes and huge smile, trying to remember happier times. Steve was grinning lazily at the camera, one hand ruffling Alex's hair.

_And then you left_, Sam addressed the Steve in her mind. _Going got tough, so you got going._

She placed the photograph back in its original position and noticed Alex's insulin kit lying on the desk. She ran her hand over it, trying to estimate how long he could go without it. She felt sick at the thought of his forgetting to take it with him.

_But what is it they always say?_ she thought, awash in self-pity and self-loathing. _Something about the longer someone is missing, the less likely it is they'll be found?_

_I am never watching TV again._

Sam walked over and straightened her son's bed sheets instinctively. Once this was done, she pivoted on her heel and left the room, shutting the door gently behind her.

Moving further down the hall, she came to her bedroom and stepped wearily inside. Not bothering to change her clothes and hurriedly pulling off her shoes, she collapsed onto the bed, pulling her blanket further around her. She knew that a peaceful sleep would not come simply, but in a few moments, she had lapsed into an uneasy slumber.

In her dream, Sam stood at the edge of a maze. She looked down and saw that her feet were bare. Hearing an impish laugh, she looked up.

Alex stood before her, his skateboard tucked under one arm. "You've always sucked at this game, Mom," he informed her. "So, I'm gonna let you count to twenty before you come find me."

Sam folded her arms across her hest, letting a cocky grin spread across her face. "Oh, yeah? We'll see about that, kiddo," she replied.

"You'll never find me," Alex told her with a wide smile. "Never. I'm the master of hide-and-go-seek. Now, shut your eyes and count."

She did as she was told and began to count aloud. "You'll never find me!" she heard him tell her once more as he raced off. She continued to count.

"Nineteen… twenty." Sam uncovered her eyes with a flourish and gazed at the empty space before her. _Into the maze_, she thought. _I'll find him in a snap._

She turned to her left and began to walk along the inner wall of the maze. She turned right. Left again. But Sam didn't mind. She liked mazes. There had been one built on the campus of a college not far from where she'd grown up. It hadn't been anywhere near as large as this, but… yes, she could do this. All she had to do was think, and remember the turns. To concentrate, and try to map out the maze in her mind.

Right again. She could do this.

Then she saw Luka, standing at the end of the path in front of her. He was smiling as she approached him.

"Luka!" she exclaimed as she came up to him. "What are you doing here?" she asked. "Oh, never mind," she said, before he had a chance to respond. Taking his hand and feeling a thrill fan up her spine, she told him, "Come on. You have to help me find Alex. I'm getting a bit worried." She turned to him as he walked beside her and laughed. "He's too good for me. I hate hide-and-go-seek."

He smiled warmly at her and traced the whorls of her palm with his thumb. "It's okay, Sam," he told her. "We'll find Alex together."

They continued to walk hand-in-hand through the maze. Hearing a child's laughter, Sam stopped suddenly, unlacing her fingers from his. She moved forward, cocking her head toward the sound. "I'm pretty sure that's Alex," she said aloud. A victorious grin flitted across her features. "Oh, I've so got him now," she said, turning to face Luka.

But Luka was gone.

Frowning, Sam looked around. _Okay, so that's nothing short of bizarre,_ she thought to herself. _Maybe he went ahead without me?_

She continued to walk through the labyrinth, feeling slightly anxious.

Left. Right. Right. Then left once again.

Sam was beginning to tire. "Okay, Alex, you win," she called out. "Alex? You beat me, okay?" Her heart pounded when there was no reply.

She stood and stared into the distance as a breeze began to blow, chilling her.

"Sammy." She whipped around and discovered Steve standing behind her, a mischievous smile on his face.

She felt her stomach seize when she saw him. "Jesus, Steve, you scared the hell out of me. What are you doing here? Need more money?" She tucked her hands into the pockets of her jeans, trying to warm them.

"Very funny, Sammy," he said, stepping towards her. "I just came to see Alex." He reached out and brushed his hand against her arm.

She recoiled. "Don't touch me," she warned. "And you can't see Alex right now. We're playing hide-and-go-seek and I'm trying to find him."

Steve's eyes turned cold as he gazed at her. "You won't find him, you know," he told her maliciously.

Sam drew in a breath and stepped away from him, feeling her back brush against the grass wall of the maze. "What did you say?"

"I said you won't find him. Don't act so surprised, babe," he replied, coming closer and forcing her body further into the wall. She cowered slightly and dropped her head.

Steve towered over her hunched figure, magnificent in his contempt. "We've all gotta learn some things about ourselves, Sam," he told her cryptically. Pulling away and straightening up, he winked lazily. "Keep looking," he said, before sauntering away through the maze.

Sam clenched her fists and watched as he disappeared.

In her dream, Sam started walking.

She had miles to go before she could sleep.

Miles and years and hopes.

She still had to find Alex.


	11. Walk

**I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!** **Just back from a much-needed hiatus (my God, I sound like Mariah Carey releasing her new album). Enjoy!**

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, but this story is, etc, etc…

**Chapter 11- Walk**

In a hotel across town, just before dawn, Luka, too, dreamed. He moaned in his sleep and threw a protective arm over his face. Perspiration beaded his forehead.

In his dream, it was raining. He stood in the middle of a cemetery, alone.

Lightning flashed, illuminating the deep open grave that lay a few paces in front of him. His feet moved beneath him and he tried to look down at them, or even at his hands.

Rain dripped down his face, clinging to his eyelashes and rolling down the tip of his nose.

Lightning flashed again, and Luka looked down into the hole in the ground, and he saw them there. Lying perfectly straight and still, just touching one another. The three of them. Danielja, Marko and Jasna.

They were dead, their hands folded neatly atop their chests. But their eyes stared blankly, almost accusing him of some complicity in their deaths.

_Oprostite._

The illumination of the lightning seeped away, eaten by the dark, and still Luka stared in sorrow and guilt at the dark pit beneath him and the bodies that lay there in the shadows.

In his mind's eye, he reached out a hand. Icy fingers gripped his. Tears like brittle, frigid diamonds began to pelt his cheeks.

Suddenly, Sam appeared before him. She, too, was weeping, and he saw that it was her small hand that gripped his so tightly.

She looked deep into his eyes, her own glittering with tears. She leaned forward and brushed his cheek with the softness of her lips, whispering a single word into his ear.

_Forever_.

Then, just as soon as she had appeared, Sam was gone.

Luka turned and looked once more into the grave. He stared at his Danielja and whispered her name aloud, though she could not hear his voice.

Dreams could be like that.

Luka was chilled to the bone, weighed down, and smothered in unending gray oblivion. Cries of the dying echoed through his head.

_Ljubim te._

Before he could reply, the night was suddenly torn asunder, and his eyes were blinded by a flash of bright, white light.

Luka's eyes fluttered open. For a moment, he couldn't breathe. He stared into the distance, feeling disconnected from himself, from the waking world.

Then, suddenly, his breath returned, and he inhaled rapidly, as though he had been suffocating. His heart was pounding in his chest, and Luka sat up, staring around his hotel room with wide eyes.

_A dream is a wish your heart breaks…_

Luka looked down and saw that his bare chest was sweat-slicked, his shorts rumpled and the sheets tangled violently around his legs. He angrily extricated himself, rolling out of bed and glancing around his darkened room. The clock on his bedside table read 5:02AM, the numbers garishly bright in the otherwise black room.

After he had crawled into the shower, then tumbled out and dried himself off, Luka began to dress for work. He felt as though he was sleep-walking. The horrible images of his nightmare did not fragment and dissipate as such things have a tendency to do. Instead, they lingered, and as hard as he tried to turn his mind to something else, his thoughts went back there time and again, as though the dream was a horrible melody repeating itself over and over in his head.

_It's been so long since I dreamed of… of Danielja and the kids. Why now?_

_And I know I miss Sam. In spite of everything that's happened._

He winced as he thought of her tears in his dream, shed for Alex, no doubt.

His breath quickened as he mentally tried to calculate what Alex's condition would be now, wherever he was. If he didn't start to become weaker – even hypoglycaemic – today, he would tomorrow.

_Oh, God_. Luka tried not to let his thoughts drift towards the worst-case scenario.

_Coma._

_Surely Sam would have called me if something had happened, if Alex had been found last night_, he thought as he noiselessly left his room. _Or does she think I don't care?_

His musings were guilty as he took the stairs down to the hotel's exit. _I can't believe I left her like that last night,_ he reflected. An image of Sam as she had been then, vulnerable and sad, flashed across his mind. He saw himself kissing her and the happiness that had filled him at that moment.

_But how can we have said all those things to each other?_ he pondered, thinking back to their huge fight. _Maybe she was right. Maybe we weren't happy._

He pulled open the door and stepped into the small lobby, where a young receptionist sat behind a long desk. She was impatiently tapping keys on the computer before her, her brows furrowed in concentration.

She looked up, smiling, as Luka passed. "Good morning," she greeted him pleasantly. "The early breakfast starts at six o'clock, if you're interested." She gestured to the wall clock behind her which read 5:50AM.

Luka contemplated this. He sure wasn't that hungry. The only thing he was desperate for was coffee and going on his experiences from when he had arrived, this hotel's coffee appeared to be brewed from the finest Columbian lighter fluid.

"I'll pass," he told the girl, throwing her a small grin to show that there were no hard feelings. "Thanks anyway." He walked over to the exit and pushed open the heavy door.

Upon stepping outside, Luka was met with a blast of frigid air that made his desire for a cup of steaming coffee even stronger. He shoved his hands into his pockets and proceeded to walk down the street in search of caffeine. After all, he still had two hours to kill before his shift started.

When he had woken, it had been practically still pitch black outside, with slight tinges of colour burning like fire on the distant horizon. Now, however, the dark sky had become bands of ever-brightening blue, and the colourful sunrise had made shades of gold and apricot scar the morning. The air was crisp, with a slight mist hovering in the atmosphere. Luka watched as men and women emerged from nearby convenience stores, clutching bags or briefcases in one hand and eating hurried breakfasts with the other. Luka smiled slightly to himself as he watched a young man attempting to answer his trilling phone as he sucked back his coffee. The poor guy looked lost.

_Now there's a feeling I can relate to,_ Luka realized as he trudged along. _I just don't know what to do anymore_.

_I will always miss my family… but does that mean I can't be with Sam? Dammit, she barely knows the half of it,_ he railed against himself. _Because you won't Because you won't talk_ _to her. _Sure, they might have discussed it briefly. But before long, he would close up, his hopes and fears as lost to her as Alex now seemed to the both of them.

_But she should know that's hard for me to talk about – for anyone to talk about,_ the other part of him argued. _My whole family – everything I loved – died. And that day, a part of me died with them._

The rational part of his mind knew that he was being selfish. In truth, something in him always had been.

Luka spotted a coffee shop and stopped in his tracks, his thoughts still a jumble.

_Am I ever going to get through this?_ he wondered as he stepped inside. It was crowded, but customers were being served relatively quickly. He watched as the young men and women raced around, desperately trying to fill orders.

_It sure doesn't look like it._

_Oh, Danielja. My Marko. My Jasna._

He could not bear another second of agonizing regret. He was drowning in sadness, and he knew of no way to find relief.

But Sam… he loved her. He knew he did. But what did that mean now?

There was no easy way. In all the fairy tales, loving someone was enough to tame the beat, awaken the princess, live happily ever after. But in the real world, loving someone was often the shortest route to misery.

"Next." A staccato voice broke into his thoughts, causing him to look up.

A stressed-looking girl was looking at him expectantly from behind the counter, pen poised over a pad of paper to take his order.

"Just a large double latte, thanks," he mumbled, fishing in his pockets for some change.

"Is that all?" She looked supremely relieved.

"Uh, yeah," he told her, passing her the money.

"Thank God," she muttered, taking it from him. "If I get one more person telling me they want something that takes more than two minutes to say, I'm going to snap."

He smiled, not envying her in the slightest. "What time do you finish?"

"Finish? Are you kidding? I only just started." She managed a small grin as she gave him his change. "Have a nice day."

"I'll try," he told her, cheered, albeit very slightly. He thought of the day ahead.

_Well, at least Morris isn't on._


	12. Chaos

**looks around guiltily Okay, I'm a horrible, horrible person. I haven't updated for three months. But fear not! All is well and crazy-free in the land of me, so there will be regular updates from now on, I promise! Also, I changed my pen name because I was getting slightly sick of my old one – it was a tad unoriginal. Okay, so now that's all out of the way, on with the next chapter!**

Disclaimer: Must I continue to painfully remind myself that these characters are not mine? I do? Well, okay. They're not. There, I said it.

Notes: The lyrics contained in this chapter are from the excellent song "Storm" by Lifehouse.

**Chapter 12 – Chaos**

_7:30am_

Luka walked through the ambulance bay to the ER entrance, trudging gamely amongst the puddles left from the previous night's rain. He lifted his coffee cup to his lips and immediately wished he hadn't. The liquid had grown cold and bitter during his slow walk to County, leaving him with no choice but to toss it despondently in the direction of a nearby bin. He barely registered that it missed by inches.

"I think you're losing your touch," a familiar voice called, forcing his head up.

Abby sat on the steps before him, cigarette in one hand. She looked exhausted, her coat rumpled and hair tousled. She smiled wanly at him as he approached.

"Double shift?" Luka asked, taking in her dishevelled appearance.

"Don't I know it," she affirmed, stifling a yawn. "I told Susan that if I didn't sit down for just a few minutes, I might fall over. We had a big MVA come in at around 3 o'clock this morning. That was a blast." She flicked ash from the end of her cigarette and brought it to her lips. "Neela and Ray are about ready to crash, too."

Luka tried to smile, but his heart wasn't really in it.

Abby noticed. "Is everything okay?" she asked, eyeing him closely.

"Mmm-hmm." Luka tried to avoid her gaze. _She knows me too well_. "Just tired. Rough night, you know?" He tried to sound light-hearted. "I guess I'll see you later?"

Abby nodded, not looking convinced. Turning on his heel, he walked up the steps and through the doors before she could quiz him further.

Luka strode through triage, sweeping his gaze over those already waiting. _Fantastic_, he thought. _Looks like half of Chicago decided they were too sick for work today._

Heading in the direction of the lounge, he was momentarily distracted by a loud British voice as he walked past admit. Looking up, he saw Neela and Ray rifling through charts, deep in conversation.

"I don't mind you guys practising," Neela was saying, sounding supremely frustrated. "It's just when you're still going at two o'clock in the _bloody morning_…! Oh, good morning, Doctor Kovac," she said, flushing slightly when she saw him pass.

Ray rolled his eyes at Luka as if to say, "can you believe this?" Luka managed to muster a small grin and a shake of his head before leaving them to it.

Continuing down the hall and into the lounge, Luka breathed a sigh of relief. _Well, today is going to be just great,_ he thought sarcastically as he pulled open his locker. He shed his jacket and shoved it inside, replacing it with his white lab coat. Hanging his stethoscope loosely around his neck, he closed the locker door with more force than was probably necessary and left the room.

When he returned to admit, he noticed that Neela and Ray had left. Susan was now standing in their place, chatting wearily to Jerry. A stack of charts was balanced precariously in her hands.

"Luka!" she exclaimed when she saw him approach. "Is everything okay? I tried calling your place last night, but there was no answer. What happened? Did you guys find Alex?"

"No," Luka told her, gripping the edge of the bench.

Susan visbly paled. "My God, why are even _here_? Isn't there something you can do?"

"Not really," he replied hollowly. "The police basically said that all we can do is wait. Sam isn't on today, so she's at… she's at home by the phone." Luka did not want to go into the details of their… hell, he didn't even know. Fight? Breakup? Trial separation? _God, it's like a horrible episode of Dr. Phil_. "Honestly, I just need something to keep my mind off it." His thoughts turned to Carter, remembering how he had thrown himself into his work in an effort to forget the loss of his and Kem's baby.

Susan exhaled sharply. "I understand," she told him, placing the charts on the bench. "But are you sure you're alright?" she asked, peering closely at him.

"Never said I was alright," Luka responded flatly. "So what have we got?" He turned from her to the admit board and stared hard at it, gamely trying to ignore her concern.

_It'll swallow you whole._

Susan sighed, realizing she was getting nowhere. She followed his gaze to the board. "There's a guy with shortness of breath in three," she told him carefully.

Luka nodded his assent and left.

_4:00pm_

_How long have I been in this storm?  
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form  
Water's getting harder to tread_  
_With these waves crashing over my head…_

Eraser in hand, Luka removed another name from the board. He had barely stopped all day, thinking of nothing but his work. Any thoughts of Sam and Alex had been pushed angrily away for fear that they would smother him. He could hear Jerry talking on the phone behind him and Susan was busy rifling through a stack of papers. 

Ray approached admit, tossing a chart down. "Man," he groaned to no one in particular. "I'm wiped."

"Only half an hour to go, though, right?" Abby asked, joining him.

"That's right," Ray winked at her. "I've got a date."

"Just as long as she walks and talks, right?" Susan volleyed as she scribbled something on a chart.

"She doesn't have to talk," Ray grinned, prompting a groan from Abby.

From his position in front of the computer, Jerry hung up the phone. "Got a homeless pickup coming," he reported.

"Yay," Abby remarked dryly.

"I've got it," Luka volunteered, turning on his heel and preparing to head to the ambulance bay.

"Abby, there's a girl with an ACL injury in six. Ray, you can help Luka," Susan told them without looking up.

"But Neela – " Ray started.

"But nothing. Neela's busy trying to get a psych consult," Susan informed him, lifting her head. "Just do it." Her eyes twinkled with mischief.

Grumbling under his breath, Ray followed Luka out into the ambulance bay.

"So," said Ray, trying to make small talk as they waited. "I haven't seen Sam around. She got the day off?"

"Yeah," Luka replied, shoving his hands in his pockets. Trying to change the subject, he asked, "How's your band going? You play guitar, right?"

"Right," Ray answered, warming to the topic. "It's going good. We have another gig at The Shelter Club tomorrow night."

Luka was unfamiliar with the place, but nodded nonetheless. A siren trilled and he looked up, seeing the expected ambulance peel into the bay. He darted over to it, Ray following close behind.

When he reached the vehicle, the back doors opened. Jumping out, the EMT acknowledged them both and began to pull the gurney out. As it landed on the ground, Luka glanced down at the patient and felt everything in him freeze.

Alex's deathly pale face stared back at him, his eyes closed. There were bruises around his forehead and his breathing was impossibly shallow.

Luka tried to take a breath but couldn't. As he and Ray pushed the gurney across the bay, the EMT at their heels, he felt like he was moving in slow-motion. He couldn't think. He couldn't speak. The EMT's words sounded like they were being spoken underwater.

"_10-year-old John Doe. Pulse 120, resps 50 and climbing. BP 85 over 50. BSL is 550. Mild head trauma. Suspected diabetic ketoacidosis."_

They burst through the doors of the ER. He could hear Ray calling his name, but just barely.

"Luka. Luka! LUKA! Isn't this Sam's kid?"

_Sam. Alex. Sam's at home. Oh, God._

Luka felt his head snap up and look at Ray, his vision clearing. The young doctor's eyes were filled with worry. Luka nodded and began to push the gurney with renewed speed. The EMT left them to it and dashed back outside.

As they passed admit, he saw Susan, who was still checking charts. "Which trauma room is open?" he snapped at her.

Susan looked up at him, then looked down at the gurney. She gasped. "Luka, isn't that…"

"Yes, goddammit. _Which trauma room?_"

Regaining her composure, Susan darted out from behind the desk. "Trauma two," she told him. "Jerry!" she barked over her shoulder. "Find Chuny and Haleh and tell them to get to Trauma two, now. Ray, you can handle triage with Abby, Pratt, Neela and the students. Until your shift ends, anyway." She started to run beside the gurney with Luka. "Tell Pratt we may need him later. I'm supposed to see Weaver in half an hour."

"And call Sam! Now!" Luka told him. Jerry snatched up the phone and began to dial.

Luka looked down at Alex as they raced down the hall. _Please God, hang in there. _

_I won't live through this again._


	13. Snap

**Heh. So I stepped away from this fic for a while, hoping to come back with a fresh perspective. I worked on this chapter for a long time, to the point where I couldn't tell up from down in terms of pacing and quality. I know how I wanted it to sound, but it just wasn't working. And my muse was just being a total bitch. It was tough. And you know, ER hasn't exactly been that inspirational of late ;) But I'm back, and hopefully with a vengeance. I am determined to keep going with this fic not only because I love it, but because I have so much more story to tell and there was no way in hell I could leave everyone hanging like that. This chapter was tricky, being as introspective and angsty as it is, but I had a lot of fun writing it. Hope you all enjoy it.**

Liz

Chapter Thirteen – Snap

"So what would you tell your boyfriend if he were here today?" the host asked, her glossy lips pressed together in feigned concern.

The young girl looked up into the camera, her eyes watering. "I'd tell him that my baby isn't his, that it was a result of my alien abduction," she confessed quietly, gently patting her rounded stomach. Clutching at the fabric of her black dress, she added earnestly, "but I'd tell him that I hope we can work through it. I love him very much, and I know he feels the same."

"Well, Jenna, we have a surprise for you," the host told her. She looked conspiratorially into the camera as if about to divulge a secret. The muscles in her face barely moved. _Bad Botox._ "Your boyfriend is here today. In fact, he's backstage right now. Let's bring him out!" An unseen audience clapped and cheered.

Sam stared at her television screen in morbid fascination. _Where do they get these people?_ she wondered, agog.

She looked on as Jenna proceeded to tell her boyfriend that no, her baby was not his but the product of her union with a masked extraterrestrial from Alpha Centauri.

_This is the kind of quality programming I miss when I'm at County?_ Sam thought sarcastically. _I should just tell Susan to keep me on night shift._

Carefully balancing her bowl of cereal, she grabbed the remote and switched channels. Cooking show. _Whatever._

Sighing, she placed the remote beside her and spooned more cereal into her mouth. It was Oreo-O's, bought in a moment of sugar-deprived weakness. Guaranteed to contain nothing typically found in nature, the box gamely tried to proclaim that the cereal was nutritious, but who were they kidding? She was basically eating a bowl of cookies with milk. _Just the way breakfast should be._

Switching her attention back to the TV, she tried in vain to share the onscreen chef's enthusiasm for the pasta he was cooking – _although_, she thought ruefully, _if I was getting paid as much as he probably is, I'd be pretty darn excited, too._ In truth, all she could think about was her son.

She had woken far too late. But she had spent the entire night playing out worst-case scenarios in her head and that nightmare about Alex, Steve and Luka had left her shaken until the early hours of the morning. She had fallen asleep without even realizing it. _I should have been up to check the answering machine for messages from the police_, she thought, furious at herself. Granted, there hadn't been any, but she felt terrible nonetheless. The last time she had slept until noon was after a night of drinking and partying with Steve and his deadbeat friends. She had been barely sixteen at the time. Not for the first time, Sam felt disgusted at the thought of how she had behaved back then, when the idea of Steve and love had seemed so attractive. Hell, she'd believed they'd get married one day. White dress, big church, the works. What a fool she had been.

But she had to admit there was a part of her that still clung to that hopelessly adolescent fantasy. And Luka had seemed the perfect guy to share it with – one day. But now that dream had pretty much evaporated and she knew she was as much to blame for that as he was. Maybe even more so. And now Alex was missing.

She glanced over at the telephone on the kitchen counter, as if she had somehow missed it ringing while she was watching TV or lost in thought. She knew there was little chance of that, however. The television had proved a welcome distraction from worrying for all of five minutes. The state of mind she was in, she would have heard that phone buzz under ten feet of concrete.

She looked at her watch. God, it was already past four o'clock. Admittedly, it had taken her the better part of the day to find the strength to crawl out of bed, take a shower and face reality. The temptation to grab the phone, burrow under the covers and stare at the ceiling, wallowing in self-pity, had been overwhelming. But Sam knew that would have only made her feel worse – _as if that's even possible at this point_, she reflected despondently.

Casting her bowl aside, she held her head in her hands as if it were going to explode. She was exhausted despite the restless sleep she had managed the night before. She was running on pure adrenaline and she knew it.

Sam needed Luka. Things just seemed to make more sense, decisions seemed to be easier to make when he was around. He always seemed to know the right thing to say, hard as it might be to do so. It pained her to admit, having promised herself long ago that she would never again fall in love, never go down that path a second time. But Fate was a stubborn little thing and sometimes it felt like she was calling all the shots.

She hated this. She'd built up a thick skin over the years – she hadn't had much of a choice – and all of this? Well, it reminded her that she wasn't invincible. And it hurt.

She finished her cereal and went to place the bowl in the kitchen sink. She didn't cry, though. And she wouldn't. Sam promised herself in that moment that she would not cry over Alex's disappearance again. Not unless the unthinkable happened.

But as soon as she made that promise, Sam knew that she would almost certainly break it.

It was just that she felt so useless. Her son was lost and there was nothing she could do about it. She had no idea where he was going or if he was even still in Chicago. All she could do was sit by the phone. She had never felt this helpless, not even when Steve had left her all those years ago, pregnant and alone.

She clenched her fists at her side, trying desperately not to lash out, to scream, to sob – _to do anything other than just sit here._ Her throat was killing her and she was bone-weary. All she wanted was to wake up and discover that this had all been a terrible dream.

The trill of the phone snapped her out of her reverie.

Jerking her head towards to sound, she darted out from behind the sink and snatched up the phone. She didn't even stop to look at the caller ID. _Oh God, oh God, oh God…_

"Hello?" she breathed out.

"Sam, it's Jerry."

She deflated. "Oh, hi, Jerry. Listen, is someone a no-show? Because if you need me to come in tonight, I'm not going to be able to…"

Jerry cut her off mid-sentence. "That's not why I'm calling." He sounded tense, a quality she was not used to hearing in his voice.

"What is it?" she asked, bracing herself for the worst.

He didn't disappoint.

"It's Alex, Sam. He was just brought in. The homeless pick-up found him. It… it looks pretty bad."

Sam felt as if she had been punched in the stomach. All the air left her body. A deep, soul-wrenching grief settled on her chest. She tried to take a breath, but her chest was constricted. She felt dizzy, disoriented, her throat aching with unshed tears. It took every ounce of her self-control not to pass out.

"I understand," she choked out. "I'll be there as soon as I can. Thanks."

She didn't so much hang up as drop the receiver.

Gasping for air, she stumbled over to the coffee table and grabbed Luka's car keys. She barely registered slipping them into her pocket. She could barely feel her feet touching the ground. _It's okay, everything will be okay, it's okay, we're okay, he's okay…_

It wasn't until she was placing her hand on the doorknob, poised to fly out the front door, that all the thoughts that had been running through her mind simply collapsed in upon themselves. All the strength left her then, and for a few seconds, Sam simply stood there in the doorway, leaning against the frame for support. "Please God, no," she whispered. "Not now."

Outside, the angry red rays of the sun had only just begun to settle on the horizon.


End file.
